If having sex were as simple as society makes it out to be, we’d expect to feel pretty much the same afterward as we did before. This kind of behaviour is refered to as post-sex blues,” which refers to feelings of deep sadness or agitation after consensual sex, even if the encounter was satisfactory and pleasurable. However, for many people, what happens right after orgasm isn’t a feeling of closeness or happiness, but a specific kind of sadness. This sadness is unique and can be hard to talk about without sounding ungrateful or mean. Despite experiencing one of life’s most pleasurable sensations, some people find themselves in a state of intense melancholy.
After sex, lying in bed with our partner, sleep might be elusive. Our minds race, and we may feel a mix of alertness, panic, heaviness, and sadness. It’s puzzling how something so joyful can lead to such sorrow.
The reason behind this post-coital melancholy is an awareness of how sex can involve us in activities that go against our usual behavior and beliefs. In the name of desire, a typically calm person may want to try things like being tied up and flogged. Someone loyal and careful might break commitments they usually uphold. In a noisy nightclub, a thoughtful person might spend hours talking to someone they have no deeper connection with.
Once the orgasm happens, we’re back to reality, and we realize the internal conflict we’ve engaged in. In the past, people might have turned to religious rituals for absolution. These rituals recognized the conflicting desires between the erotic and higher-minded values. They understood that good people might long for dignity, fidelity, and wisdom while also being drawn to more indulgent and vice-filled activities.
The feeling of melancholic guilt likely starts in adolescence. Suddenly, we find ourselves locking in the bathroom, obsessively thinking about certain scenarios, and recalling furtive glimpses. Afterward, a darkness settles in that never seems to leave.
Melancholy and shame are especially strong after being with someone we don’t particularly love, even if they love us a lot. We may wish we could confess our inconsistency and lies to our partner, hoping they’ll understand that our feelings aren’t what they should be.
In the exhaustion after sex, we become aware of the time we’ve wasted. The hours spent in fantasy could have been used to accomplish productive things. This realization can lead to a desire to die.
Most of all, what we wish for is a partner with whom we can share our turmoil. Someone who understands that, despite everything, we’re still a good person who has lost their way and wants to come home to a more open-minded place that accepts our reality with love. Our melancholy is a reminder that we don’t want to be divided people, pretending to be something we’re not. We want to be sexual, good, and true, and that’s why we feel so sad.
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