Our perceptions of “good manners” often evoke memories of childhood drills on pleasantries like “please” and “thank you,” which, though intended to civilize us, appear disconnected from our true selves.
While we might acknowledge the rationale for manners in specific contexts, such as the workplace or social events, the notion seems incompatible with the realm of love. The idea of two lovers consciously striving to be ‘polite’ to each other might initially strike us as unromantic. In relationships, we aspire to unfiltered authenticity, where partners witness and embrace our true selves without the need for pretense.
Yet, as understandable as this desire may be, its realization proves challenging and, frankly, unkind. Unleashing our unfiltered selves entails exposing partners to our raw, unvarnished reality, complete with ill-temper, selfishness, confusion, and other undesirable traits. Striving for complete authenticity might involve unfairly blaming partners, expressing unchecked disappointments, and disregarding the impact of our words on their self-esteem. In the pursuit of love, it becomes clear that expecting others to be entirely authentic is not always in their best interest.
In light of this, it might be more prudent for couples to embrace a basic charter of good conduct, consisting of four steadfast rules to nurture a loving relationship:
- Accuracy: Many times, the causes of our distress elude us, and in our vulnerability, we may inadvertently direct our frustrations toward the nearest, seemingly resilient figure—often our partner. While the trigger might be external, such as workplace stress or financial concerns, expressing our discontent with accuracy and thoughtfulness becomes crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
- Kindness: The assumption that kindness naturally accompanies love overlooks the need for deliberate efforts to choose gentle and understanding words, even in the face of disappointment or frustration. Recognizing that manners are not mere formalities, but an acknowledgment of our fundamental need for respect, can foster a more positive and enduring connection.
- Keep it Personal: During moments of anger, there’s a tendency to make sweeping, universal judgments about our partners. However, preserving a relationship requires a more localized and conditional approach. Instead of labeling partners in absolute terms, expressing personal feelings and perceptions allows for a nuanced understanding that nurtures love.
- Feeling Heard: The fundamental rule here is that we cannot truly hear until we feel heard. Acknowledging our partner’s feelings by paraphrasing their concerns demonstrates a commitment to understanding, creating a foundation for constructive dialogue and resolution.
Undoubtedly, adhering to these manners can be challenging and may seem at odds with our desire for unbridled expression. However, paradoxically, it is through these restrictions that we may move closer to the relationships we genuinely desire—ones in which our partners feel secure enough to acknowledge and address what truly matters to us. Authentic, kind, and true connections may necessitate occasional discomfort, requiring us to be more measured and deliberate than our spontaneous inclinations might prefer.
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