The idea of avoiding love might seem really strange. Why would someone not want something that’s considered positive and enriching in life? While some people can’t experience love due to external reasons, why would anyone actively stop themselves from having it?
The answer lies in our past. Even though we all want love, our ability to accept it depends on how we felt loved as children. If we had reliable, safe, and kind experiences with love early on, we’re more likely to accept it willingly. But not everyone had that kind of blessing. Some of us faced obstacles in finding love that we haven’t fully recovered from or understood.
Maybe the person we wanted to love got sick or depressed. Or when we needed them the most, they left or started a new family. Perhaps our parent was always working or unavailable. They might have had a temper, leaving us feeling not good enough. These experiences shaped us into experts at being independent, associating safety with self-protective isolation.
Our longing for love may be strong, but these experiences affect our ability to have fulfilling relationships. As adults, we might say we want closeness but, in reality, take steps to avoid it. The real fear isn’t that love might fail but that it might succeed, exposing us to vulnerability and happiness in ways we’ve never experienced.
For those scared of love, we unconsciously work to make relationships fail. We choose partners with built-in problems or beg for love from those we know won’t give it. We find flaws in our partners to prevent deep connection and introduce distance when happiness is within reach. It’s not that we’re bad; we’ve just been hurt. Understanding this can help us see that our independence, while once necessary, is now preventing us from true happiness. Admitting our fear and facing it can be a first step toward healthier relationships.
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